Months ago, closer to a year, Jacqueline was invited to be a bridesmaid for her friend Jeanette, as they had gone to school together & Jacqueline had been supportive to her through difficult times
& she needed another bridesmaid to balance the groomsmen out. Jacqueline agreed.
After much trepidation (“Who will do my hair? What if I fall and break my ankle? Is there open bar?”), we came to their wedding day, last night at Snug Harbor. Clothes were pressed and hemmed to perfection. Hair impeccably coiffed. Jacqueline came from impossibly beautiful wife to extraordinarily sexy call girl in a few hours and a few hundred dollars. We were ready.
The first half of the wedding was pretty standard faire, bride walks down the aisle, exchange vows, lots of religious discussion on the merits of traditional marriage, etc. It was lovely weather, there was a fountain, nobody fell and broke their ankle. You couldn’t ask for more short of the Holy King of Lands Himself wedding them.
The latter half was particular, possibly because of my altered state of being*. In a rough chronological order:
x The food was phenomenal in general; young ladies and a guy who looked exactly like Kid Cudi offered trays of filet mignon, eggplant, tuna, and pasta dishes & stuffed salmon in a lemon caper sauce (winner of the night) were on either side of this fat-fest. The low point was stalking the woman with the sliders only to see her give the last two to a couple of clowns who did not deserve them.
x There was delightful champagne in the bridal suite (why was I there? don’t you worry about that), and apple cider sangria in the cocktail hall, which was something I’ve never had, and will gladly accept in lieu of favors in the future, thanks,
x I only had one whiskey sour, but it was strong. But that’s why I didn’t throw up, in case you were curious.
x About nine o clock, I leveled up from Sober Kevin to Decidedly Foggy Kevin. This could account for my peculiar thought process the remainder of the night.
x Our busgirl looked like a low budget Aubrey Plaza.
x Another busgirl happened to be a girl I worked with last year, before she was caught sleeping & fired literally the next day.
x The security of the establishment was another old coworker whom I happened to bump into repeatedly in random situations. At least I recognized him this time! +5 charisma.
x The bartender went to school with us, and happens to work at the bar our neighbors own.
x The bridesmaid to my right told me, “Felix, your wife is a lifesaver; she found me some aspirin!” to which I replied, “She’s the best!” but thought to myself, “Who is she? How did she know my middle name?”
x At one point, my eyes were wandering, and I kept locking eyes with a guest at our table openly berating her boyfriend for some unknown act (“SERIOUSLY this is the THIRD TIME what the FUCK”), and after noticing me see her do this twice, I made a grandiose motion of scratching the back of my head and looking away, which may have been more awkward than just watching them.
x This is later supplemented when the aforementioned guest was talking to me, but I couldn’t hear what she said. I politely nod and her boyfriend responds with something, and the guest gives a preposterous face, as though what he said is absurd. She laughs, and I politely laugh lightly, so as to not offend. He says something else, and she blatantly laughs to me, and says “Oh SoAndSo, please, you’re embarrassing yourself!” to which I shuffled awkwardly and liquified myself into a puddle & melted through the floorboards.
x Just when I had been appreciating Drunk White Girl dancing lavishly like a peacock in heat, Another Drunk White Girl chants that she wants one more song(!) from the DJ, to which Jacqueline helpfully chants along. This leads to The Another Drunk White Girl hugging us (“I love you!… What’s your name?”) and disappearing off into an alcohol soaked fog.
x Apparently during all of this time, I learned the entirety of the bouquet throwing garter tossing situation. I thought you throw it and you’re on your way.
x Four of us stepped out for a smoke, and the girl in question ended up having a stiletto pierce her foot webbing and had to go to the hospital. Not many people seemed very compassionate. I guess that’s why you wear shoes.
x There was cake. I don’t eat cake.
ADDENDUM: Shout out to the awkward guy whose date cancelled on him, and he still showed up anyway, and he still drank tea instead of liquor or water like that’s a totally normal thing to do at a wedding, I really liked that guy, no irony.
Today is the next day, and aside from being tired, I am pleased, and had a great time. Congrats, Jeanette & Mike!